Imponderables

Imponderables
When is the now becoming forever?
Where does the here touch the unreachable?
How can the known light the unfathomable?
Why do the answers create the enigma?
Who am I in the all?
Can a whim be created with true purpose?
Is truth ever more than a perspective?


This was an exercise I had to do on a night alone with a snowy cold world outside, struggling to find a grip on my sanity and purpose again. There are times when it helps to put some of my biggest struggles into words and then release my grip on them, and by doing so, return myself to the rock of my life-within-reach again.

I believe in life.

This quoted text from Robert Gerzon's email newsletter is as close to my own beliefs and spirituality as I have ever seen written down anywhere. It's not perfect for me, but it's the best I've seen so far.

This Month's Message: "I Believe in Life" by Robert Gerzon

In these anxious and uncertain times we all need something to believe in -- something to inspire us to keep going and keep growing.

But what can we truly believe in?

This question first arose for me personally many years ago. I had been raised in the Christian religion. But when I was a teenager and learned to think for myself I began to have serious doubts about core tenets of Church dogma. Although I greatly admired Jesus and his teachings (and still do) I found I could no longer believe in the Church as a guide to true spirituality.

I became a seeker of truth. At first I put my faith in human rationality and science to provide answers. I realized that the most powerful religion in the world today is the modern belief system we call science. Science told me about the kind of universe I live in: it is cold, impersonal, and governed by uncaring mechanical laws. Science told me about the true nature of human beings: I am a biological organism run by biochemical processes and primitive drives for survival. Science also has a message for me about the meaning and purpose of my life: there isn't any. As a tool for understanding my physical universe I found science fascinating. As a guide to living my life, it left me empty and depressed.

Later I studied the other world religions and even returned to Christianity for a second look. Everything had something useful to offer. Yet, none of these by themselves or even all of them taken together provided me with what I needed to feel comfortable in my own skin here on this planet.

I asked myself: What are you really looking for? I came up with this short list:

· I need something I can really believe in. That sounds obvious but it was one of my biggest difficulties. I found things that were very comforting that I wanted to believe in -- like a God that's personally looking out for me, a guru who will lead me to the blessed state of enlightenment, a self-help system that will change my life. But I just couldn't believe any of these things because they didn't make any sense when I looked at the actual world around me.

· I need something simple and inspiring that gives meaning and purpose to my life. When I'm troubled, depressed or anxious I find that complex intellectual or spiritual theories no matter how profound just don't help me.

· I need something practical that helps me live my daily life. I need a compass to guide me and tools and techniques I can use to solve problems and meet goals.

· I need something that unites our human family instead of dividing it. I want to believe in something that every one of the six billion members of our human family can believe in -- something that helps us resolve our human conflicts and solve the enormous problems we are facing at this time in our evolution.

· I need something that helps me feel good about myself and the world I live in. When a reporter asked Albert Einstein what was the most important question in the world, he replied simply: "Is the universe a friendly place?" I too need to believe in the basic goodness and loving nature of all of life including humans beings and the vast universe of which we are a part.

I have found that "something I need" and I want to share it with you. Yet it is so precious and so personal that you will still need to find it for yourself within yourself.

I found it during a "dark night of the soul."

I had woken up from a terrifying nightmare of horror, torture and death. I tried to ground myself in reality, but my "real life" was falling apart and offered nothing solid to stand on.

I grasped desperately for something to hold on to. I tried conjuring up religious beliefs and positive images but they all became distorted and dark. In desperation I opened some trusted spiritual texts but the words on the pages just lay there dead and dry.

I was exhausted yet afraid to sleep, terrified of returning to the nightmare I had just escaped. I felt like I was on the edge of a bottomless abyss, my mind on the verge of spiraling into madness.

What can I believe in? What is true? What is real? What is good?

As I lay there, I became aware that the only thing I could be sure of was that I was breathing, that I was alive.

I let being alive be enough.

My breath was shallow and constricted. My body was tense like a scared animal. But I was alive.

"I am alive. I am safe. I can breathe. It is safe to breathe. It is safe to be alive."

Slowly my body relaxed. Slowly my breath became deeper and fuller. I began to breathe in the Life that surrounded me. With each breath, I felt Life filling me with new life. Out of the darkness, a radiance emerged. I was breathing in Light. I felt my heart open. I was breathing in Love.

"I believe in Life."

Safe in the arms of Life, I was able to sleep. When I awoke the next morning I repeated, "I believe in Life."

And I have ever since.

· I can believe in Life. It is real right here right now. I have no doubts. I am living it.

· Life is simple and inspiring and gives meaning and purpose to my life. I look at Life, at this infinite and amazing universe, at nature in all its glory, at the adventure of evolution and I am humbled and inspired to be a part of this living mystery.

· Life is practical and helps me live my daily life. A simple question helps me make life-affirming choices and decisions: Does this serve Life or sabotage it?
Does my thinking (my Inner Talk) serve Life or sabotage it?
Does the food I am about to eat serve Life or sabotage it?
Does this action I am about to take serve Life or sabotage it?
I can ask myself this basic question about everything including the words I speak and the work I do.
I refuse to suppress my own aliveness or the aliveness in others. Because I believe in Life I follow the guidance of the Life within.

· Life unites our human family instead of dividing it. We can all believe in Life. A belief in Life is the healthy origin of all religions. Life is bigger than any belief system. Life is bigger than any one of us, any group of us, or any one species. Affirming Life means creating a world in which every living being on this planet can reach their full potential. Toxic belief systems are threatening our very survival today. Greed, inequality and selfishness undermine Life. Generosity, justice and empathy increase Life.
We are free to symbolize Life in any way that helps us celebrate it: as a radiant Tree of Life, as a beautiful God and Goddess. And we can remember that these are but symbols of the infinite and eternal Life that exists beyond all our words and images.

· Life helps me feel good about myself and the world I live in. When I experience Life purely and directly through meditation I know it is good. It is beyond good. It is beyond duality. Life is day and night, light and dark, life and death. Yes, Life includes the natural cycle of life and death. All living organisms die, but Life -- the spirit of Life with each of us -- is ever-renewing and eternal. The only kind of death that is unnatural and anti-Life is spiritual death, the suppression of the human spirit.

There is nothing to fear. The universe is not just friendly, it is infinitely wise and loving.

Just look in the mirror. If you choose to believe in Life at that very moment you'll see Life smiling back at you with love.

http://www.gerzon.com

The Benefits and Cost of Personal Change

I believe it is one of the universal human conditions that we all deal with making decisions that balance the viewed benefits of change with our imagined costs of those changes.

Humans (and maybe a few other species) can imagine possible futures that are better than today, and as a result, we think of changes that we think will make things better (by some measure we choose or accept), and we desire those changes to occur. So why don't we just make all those changes (at least the ones that we believe we have some control over)? Frequently, we don't because of a fear of the possible "cost" associated with the change. Why doesn't someone just go get a better job -- because they might not find one -- or because they can't afford to give up some benefit of the current job -- or because they would lose seniority -- or....

It is rare that anyone can truly know the exact consequences of choosing to do something or choosing not to do that thing. Our existence just isn't set up to allow us to know the future -- we can only use our best experience from the past, our intuition, our logic, and our gut-feel to pick one way or the other and live with it.

Oh, and don't fall into the trap of thinking you just won't decide -- inaction is just as much of a decision as action.

Best of skill and luck predicting the future, and may your benefits always outweigh your costs.

Graffiti

I was walking through our local park today and saw graffiti
marked on the play equipment there, and, as usual, was disgusted at
the fact that people can have so little regard for things that don't
belong to them. Aside from trying to imagine interesting
technological methods of catching and punishing people who do this, I
pondered what the best ways are to teach children to respect the
property of others, and what attitudes and thoughts lead people to
want to put graffiti on things that aren't theirs.

I think that one way to help children learn to respect the
property of others is to give them situations where they work to
create or earn things of their own -- things which have value to them,
and for which they had to put effort or time into to create or earn.
This would at least give them something to consider if they would want
someone else taking or ruining their possession, and so may be able to
use the golden rule to decide not to damage someone else's property.

Of course, I could imagine that if someone had something like
this, and had it forcibly taken away from them or were unable to keep
it for some other reason out of their control, then they could also
give up on the golden rule by saying to themselves that someone else
(or just existence) didn't respect it for them, so why respect it for
anyone else.

I'm really pained by seeing graffiti, as it makes me think someone
has really lost of sense of value in their life, and as a result, is
unable or unwilling to see any reason not to destroy things that
aren't their own.

Regrets

At the end of our lives we are more likely to regret the things we did not do than the things we did...

A very thought-provoking quote I ran across today in a dailyOM.

St. Theresa's Prayer

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Optimistic Balance

Interesting to read this article about the power of staying positive, and realize how many "but/balancing" thoughts go through my mind about it. Once again, "healthy balance" seems to be the best words for the overall concept to strive for, then you just have to try to define those "simple" words of "healthy" and "balance" in a complex world! The thought crossed my mind that "the unbalanced optimist is the one killed trying to ski through the revolving door with the most optimistic view of the possible outcome". Few extremes (if any) are widely practical. That being said, I would still describe myself as an optimist in general, and a realist when it is more practical. Hmm, interesting to split it up and ask what areas one is optimistic about relative to others (I'm very optimistic about people, but not about stressful situations)...

The Book of Life

I've always wanted to be the author of the best "book about life" available. I always bemoaned the fact that there is no good book of this sort (my opinion, of course), and frequently thought there should be. I wanted a book to help people through the hardest times in life, to help them find happiness in life, to help them find meaning to their life, to help them accomplish what they want to accomplish, and to be genuinely good people.

I think I always knew that there could be no perfect book like this, and as I've grown older, that thought has solidified for me -- what is right and most helpful for one person at one time is not necessarily right or helpful for another person or even that same person at a different time. Maybe I'll save more discussion of that concept for another post.

What got me started thinking about this today was some of the humorous aspects of my thoughts about writing such a book of life. One was that I always liked to joke that I wanted to write a book about life as soon as I was done, because then I would have learned as much as possible about it!

Also humorous has been my efforts at thinking of what the best title for the book would be, and here are some of my top choices so far:

Life (as I know it)
Life: Your Mileage Will Vary
Life: Nobody Gets Out Alive
Life: We Apologize for the Inconvenience
The Cliff Notes of Life

Questions to start 2009

Questions on my mind to start the year:

How many days, hours, minutes, seconds will you waste?
How many excuses will you make?
How many times will fear stop you from taking action?
How many times will you put your interests behind those of all others present?
How many times will you act from assumptions?
How many times will you protect others from who you are?
How many times will you choose the easy instead of the right for you?
How many times will you sell yourself short?
How many times will you not take care of yourself?
How many times will you hide your human traits?
How many times will you degrade yourself?
How many times will you accept the actions of others?
How many times will you gravitate towards ambiguity over clarity?
How many times will you beat yourself up for past actions?
How many times can you sacrifice?
How will you know if time is wasted?
How will you know if a justification is worthwhile?
How will you what fear would have saved you from?
How will you know if your assumptions are correct?
How will you know who deserves or needs protection most?
How will you know what is healthiest for you?
How will you know how much you are worth?
How will you know when to share yourself with the world?
How will you know what the effects of your actions will be?
How will you know how to judge others?
How will you know what is best or right?
How will you know what the future holds?
How will you know the outcome of your choices?
How will you live with your past actions?
Who are you?
Who do you want to grow to be?
How much time do you have to answer these questions?

Oh, the humanity. Oh, the humanity.

I am a Life Philosopher

I see one of my most dominant characteristics to be the feeling of being a Life Philosopher, and that means that I am almost always thinking about things. The thought crossed my mind the other night that "I am a life philosopher, which means that I think about life so much that it can easily get in the way of living that life". The practice of meditation has recently (within the last year or so) been explored by me, and has presented me with a great challenge -- that of being able to consciously choose not to follow spontaneous thoughts when they occur. This is incredibly difficult for me, but I am continuing to explore it, because it seems important to me. It is rare for me not to want to take a step back from whatever I am doing and ponder about it -- about the intentions, the implications, the predecessor conditions and the possible results. I find I am constantly in a conflict of thinking versus doing, wandering back and forth between these two ends of a spectrum of behaviors.

There is a quote by Socrates: "The unexamined life is not worth living". To that I've always added my own: "The un-lived life is not worth examining". I had never seen that written by anyone else when I thought it, but I'm certainly not the only one to have turned it around that way (you can find it on bumper stickers). I just saw a quote by Mark Twain that is similar: "The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the life too closely examined may not be lived at all". Mark Twain does have a lot of quotes that resonate with me!

Absence

I have been absent from this forum for a long time. I intend to write some thoughts much more frequently from now on.

The Beginning of Knowledge

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.
- Frank Herbert

Autumn Rain

If I am dreaming, do not wake me

For here I have found happiness

Peace and calm, tranquility

A source I've found for all this

I've struggled long, and fed the lands

Throughout the growing season

With my own blood, with my own hands

I fought to keep my reason

When in my sorrow I felt drowned

Despaired though I had done my best

The Autumn Rain streamed softly down

Upon a beautiful harvest

Thanks to the Universe...

Having just turned 40 after enduring a not so fun year in my closest personal relationships (your closest is always with yourself), I've had a wonderful set of experiences to help change my perspective again. Yes, I'm older. Yes, in many ways I see my body aging. Yes, I've had many awful hours, days, and weeks this year and even over the past few years. But, once again the universe has reminded me that the Unknown is far greater than the Known by throwing me some unexpected wonderfulness, causing me to rethink my perspectives, and throwing me forcibly out of the ruts I have settled into. Thank you, Universe....

Sum Total of Knowledge

I saw this in a dailyOM message from www.dailyom.com, and it also spoke to me:

"The sum total of our knowledge will never compare to what we do not know..."

Seeker of Truth

I couldn't resist this quote when I saw it, as it speaks to a very deep-rooted feeling inside me:

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
- Rene Descartes

A Matter of Life and Death

I've recently learned of a few close acquaintances and friends who have been diagnosed with cancer or some other life-ending condition. While it is true that decline and death are as much a part of life as birth and growth, it doesn't make it any easier to be able to think about and accept this part of the larger natural cycle of life and death.

Death and dealing with death is one of the things that is shared by all humans throughout history. It has been said that humans are different from most/all other living organisms in that humans are able to ponder their own death. Whether that is true or not, death is an inescapable part of our lives, and it always will be. No matter what heights of achievement we reach, and no matter how rich we may become, death will always be the final result of one's life. It is guaranteed. We're stuck with it. It is truly a tragedy, and one that the elderly and the sick know all too well, and one that causes the young and the healthy to spend incredible amounts of thought, energy, and money to try to avoid for as long as possible.

So how "should" we deal with this fact of death? How can we integrate it into our lives in the mentally healthiest way? How can anything related to decline and death be thought of as good?

I think the simplest answer lies in the realm of spirituality. Spirituality, in this case, I define very roughly as a paradigm of thought that you and your life are a part of something bigger than just you and just your life, and that the larger "thing" you are a part of is good. Thinking that decline and death are part of a much larger "good" makes them seem much smaller, and gives you something "bigger" and "more important" to focus your thoughts on. Christians can help themselves through decline and death by believing they are part of God's greater plan (which happens to include death as a transition). Atheists can help themselves through decline and death by revering the cycle of life and feeling that the ecosphere of Earth is "good" and so their decline and death is a necessary part of the larger cycle of life. But are these transferrals of thought to something bigger enough? I don't think so, because even though humans can think of themselves as part of a larger whole, they still have to think and die as individuals. So, the simplest answer is likely not sufficient in day to day life.

So what else is left to us if we can't get our focus outside of our physical self? What about the "I've had a good life" and all the other ways of getting our focus outside of the current time? These mechanisms also work, though they too are simply transferral of focus. Is transferral of focus away from the pain or disappointment or fear of decline and death enough?

I don't know. In some ways if you have a long slow decline towards death, the effort to find something positive to focus on becomes harder as you have less and less of your remaining life that you can consider positive, and the reminders of the inevitable end are present in ever greater proportions.

Is the ideal then to be able to face the end with as much dignity and calm as you can muster? Is the ideal to be able to show others that decline and death can still be a positive part of life in some way? Is the ideal to be inconspicuous and as little trouble and inconvenience as possible to others as we deal with the decline to the end of our lives?

Personally, I hope to be able to maintain my dignity and sense of perspective. I hope my ability to focus on positive thoughts (of any kind) stays strong to the end, and that I can be an example of how decline and death may be a necessary part of life, but the self-caused destruction of one's view of life is not a necessary part of that. I hope I can do even a small part to help destroy the perceptions that lead our society to spend so much of its resources and abilities on the impossible task of trying to avoid the unavoidable....

Pain and Suffering

I have come to Las Vegas mostly to get away from a lot of mental/physical/emotional discomfort and pain in my "normal" life for a while. My general mental and physical health has been pretty good here, though today I had an occurrence of my "blocked intestine" situation (with no discernible specific cause or trigger) that was quite painful but which passed (no pun intended) within 20 minutes, as usual. These pain experiences cause a physical and mental state that borders on excruciating insanity, with an ebb and flow to this particular situation that gives me ample opportunity to try out all my tricks to calm myself in the face of the experience and expectations of the next peak of pain.
Not having really had to endure many painful circumstances in my life, I frequently wonder about just how my pain experiences compare to others, specifically when I'm trying to decide if my pain is something I should worry about, or if it is common to others. It sounds silly in some ways, but it is pretty critical to deciding things like "should I go to the hospital", or "should I take something for this", or "am I just being a wimp".
Pain itself is one of those grand unmeasurable items in our time. Doctors have to ask patients about pain, with no way of telling if they are responding with the truth, and only crude methods of comparing that pain with that of others.
While I consider pain to be a base physical response, I consider suffering to be something completely different. Suffering I think of as a completely mental response, and as such, it is something that is possible to affect and control, and even eliminate. Pain is one of many potential triggers and inputs to suffering, but suffering does not necessarily follow from pain. Pain, like emotions, is an inescapable part of being human, and as such, we cannot control or escape it. What we can control is our response to that.
Am I saying that we can control even our reflexes (such as to pull our hand back from a burning-hot contact)? No, but as soon as you get beyond reflexes and maybe some other hard-wired responses, I think we do have the potential for full control of all other responses. Saying this makes me wonder what other things besides reflexes come under the category of my "hard-wired" label. Blood-flow, heart-rate, and muscle-tension seem to come closer to reflexes, while tears and vocalizations are closer to the under-our-control side of things.
So, what good can all this pondering and distinction do for humanity? Well, for one thing, it would point to where any future "measure" of pain should be (measuring of the hard-wired responses). It can also help people to realize the things they shouldn't feel bad about not being able to control (and shouldn't waste time and effort trying to control). And, it can help people to take responsibility for the aspects they *do* control.
(Note that I know that many "controllable" responses are the result of long-standing habit, or "programming", but these responses are nonetheless controllable, even if the strength of the habit may make it *seem* like the behavior is hard-wired.)

As good a start as any...

Welcome to my first blog here. Why am I doing this? I suppose in part to feel part of a larger movement, but even more so to experiment with how much blogging may be a way for me to share my life and thoughts with others. We shall see.

If you are reading this, you must have found it. Welcome to my thoughts...

Archer (location: Las Vegas)